Why you Shouldn't Ask a Woman Why She Doesn't Have Children Pt. 2
The first post was the introduction to infertility and the kind of emotions that it brings to those who experience it. This post is going to focus on things that have been said to women who battle infertility there may have been insensitive or trigger emotions whether it be by people we know or medical professionals. Often times people don’t mean anything by what they say however it doesn’t make it any less hurtful. Please see a few situations involving general conversations or medical professionals.
”It was hard when everyone was asking when was we going to have a baby. We always responded with when the Lord blesses us, which he did.”
”It is still hard dealing when people always say, "Ezra is getting older, he's almost 6! He's an only child and he wants a sibling." I'm like.. yo... I know... I'm TRYING. I've heard I should try some things at the pharmacy, and that I should see a fertility doctor. At my last check-up my doctor actually told me that due to the gap since I've been trying I am considered to fall in the category of not being able to reproduce, and she referred me to a specialist. I have yet to make an appointment because I'm scared of what they may tell me.”
” I struggled with seeing baby showers, gender reveals, and anything related to pregnancy. I remember leaving a baby shower sitting in my car crying and I MOSTLY remember someone at the shower asking me..”what are you waiting for.”
”However, as a woman, I can’t help but wonder if it won’t ever happen. Since he and I have been married my anxiety has increased ten-fold, as it seems the only question anyone in the world can pose to a newlywed couple is, “when are you two going to have a baby?”. I usually don’t take offense, but since the moment I said I do I’ve felt so much pressure to produce a child that I’ve started to reject the idea of trying and experiencing the disappointment of failure.”
”I was in the process of getting tests done that my GYN requested I do. I had to get HSG (Hysterosalpingography) test which is an xray that determines whether or not your fallopian tubes are blocked. I’ve never had to do a test like this before so when scheduling I made sure to ask if there was anything that I should do or avoid doing before the xray. The scheduler gave me all the instructions. Both my husband and I took off from work and the facility was very far from our home. Long story short, before the doctor did the xray, the doctor asked if I did all the prerequisites and she named a few things that the scheduler didn’t mention to me. I told her I didn’t do that because I wasn’t aware. Then the doctor said she can’t do the xray because I didn’t complete all the prerequisites. She was very cold about it and she was speaking to me as if it was my fault even though I told her I only did what I was told by the scheduler. I kept explaining that this is not something I’ve done before so I didn’t know and explained that we also traveled a long way and took off of work to do the testing. She insisted with a very bad attitude that she is not doing the xray. She didn’t say sorry or didn’t have any sympathy towards me at all. I was frustrated, irritated, and felt helpless because of this doctor’s unbelievable “bedside manner”. I was so shocked at how she treated me especially since this is such an overwhelming and sensitive situation that I am dealing with. I will never go back there again.”
“One thing that triggers me is when people repeatedly ask my husband and I “what are yall waiting for?” or “When are yall going to have kids?” Sometimes people are not aware, but it still stirs up emotions inside of me. Sometimes I want to ask “are you going to help take care of them?” I just think to myself, if only you knew what we’ve been going through. I mostly just reply “soon” to shut them up. When I first was diagnosed, I did not feel as though my doctor truly explained what I was up against or what my body was experiencing. She just told me that I needed to lose weight and then we could go the route of fertility meds. I felt so defeated. After much research, I found another doctor who was very knowledgeable of my diagnosis and has been very helpful to the process.”
Before approaching someone about why they don’t have children, please consider that they may have experienced the loss of a child, miscarriage(s), or may be struggling to conceive. Sometimes it’s best to just not ask, especially if you don’t know the people that well.
A better way to approach someone when asking them about having kids is to say something along the lines of: “Do you want to have children in the future?” or “Do you guys plan on starting a family?”
When you ask this way, it will make the person/couple feel comfortable answering the question. By putting them at ease, it’s more likely that they may open up and tell you more information than if you were to ask them abruptly.
Here’s some advice when dealing with family or friends who are struggling with fertility:
-it may be best to let them bring up their frustration or emotions on their own, asking may trigger a conversation they do not want to have or they may not be ready to have
-tell them that you will lend an ear if they need somebody to talk to if they need to vent.
-tell them that things will work out for the best and you’ll be there for them
Treatments to help infertility
While everyone’s situation is different, the following list of things are said to help with infertility:
-healthy eating habits: eat foods that are rich in omega-3 fatty acids
-eat foods rich in vitamin C like citrus fruits, kiwi, red peppers, and kale.
-avoid refined sugar which is found in processed foods like individually packaged treats, candy, fruit flavored drinks, frozen meals, canned fruits, etc.
-exercise to help balance your hormones.
-acupuncture is said to help with fertility issues.
There are various methods to help with infertility such as pills and injections to trigger or help with ovulation. There’s also donor eggs/sperm, insemination, and IVF.
However, while there are many methods to help women conceive, not all options are covered by insurance. Even with insurance some methods can still be very expensive. This can be very discouraging to some, hopefully in the future fertility treatments will be free or more affordable.
On average, fertility medications can cost anywhere from $10 to $100 per month depending on the type of medication, how often it needs to be taken, and how many rounds are needed.
If surgery is needed to help facilitate conception, this can cost between $2000 and $10,000. This depends on the procedure.
Intrauterine insemination (IUI) costs abut $1000.
Give or take, but on average IVF costs about $12,000 for the initial cycle.
As you can see, for the average person this can “break your pockets” depending upon the method and if you have to try more than one option.
Infertility is a battle in more than one way.
I hope you enjoyed this two-part series and learned something along the way!
As stated previously, we are not doctors or medical professionals. Please see our references below:
Shoutout to my Collaborator: Brittany Santiago
Thanks Britt for helping me write this piece. Her blog and social media info are below:
Just Brittany Moments is all about beauty, fashion, food, healthy living, and everything NYC!
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