Respect your mother and father, honor them. We hear this all the time. It’s in the bible. But what do you do when those are the very people who have caused you the most hurt and pain in your life?
While this is not my story, my parents have their faults. But I wanted to create this space for people who do have to live with this. The main reason being is that I always emphasize the importance of protecting your energy and living a positive life away from toxic people and situations. Parents are not excluded from this. If your parents, cause you drama and unnecessary stress, it may be time to evaluate how you handle them in their life.
If you aren’t aware of the signs, they may consist of the following:
-Never feeling like you’re good enough based on how your parents down your accomplishments or talk negatively about you
-Your parents constantly take and take and take
-Your parents cause drama and drag you into it
-Your parents want you to constantly do for them or call them and put forth no effort in the relationship
Those are just a few examples.
Sometimes people will question how older adults end up with no support or grow old and alone. But the children are often blamed for the way that their parents end up living in their later days. However, I think the history between the parent and child (ren) needs to be considered. Are you supposed to constantly sacrifice your happiness for parent or accept the hurt they bring in your life? Absolutely not! But it’s up to you to acknowledge and identify your parents’ toxic ways.
Here are some stories of people who’ve been through a lot with their parents! Read their stories below:
My father has been toxic my entire life, and my mom continues to make excuses for him like "oh he didn't have a father. He loves you but he don't know how to show it." My sister (same dad, different mom) passed away in a car accident at 17 and he didn't even come to the funeral. He said he was too upset, but I think it's because my sister's mother didn't include him in the funeral plans.
My father also got mad at me cause I let my older sister (we have different dads, but the same mom), claim me on her taxes and she gave me money to help while I was in undergrad. He wouldn't even give me any money to help me.
I am currently not speaking to him because he's just absolutely trash and doesn't even try to make an effort. On top of the fact that he got married and didn't tell me for a year. He told me after my sister passed away.
He didn't show up to see me get my masters because he had to work. I would have quit my job if it was my child. It's hard to forgive him, but I know that I have to. I am currently working on it, but counseling just doesn't work.
My mom is very insecure about herself so she tries to put her insecurities off onto other people. She always plays the victim & everyone else is the issue. She has done no wrong, everyone is just against her for no reason. One of her toxic traits is She knows everything, if you let her tell it and she will argue with you over your opinion or point of view. I am sometimes embarrassed of her. I sometimes see myself nagging like her and it irritates me so much. She is so negative all the time. its tiring and sometimes stressful & I have to some ask myself is it anything i did to her ? I feel alone most of the time when im around her.
My entire childhood, and even still to this very day, I have struggled with my self-confidence. As a female it is always in the back of my mind of what my skin looks like, my weight, etc. My mother did not, and still does not help when it comes to my self-confidence; in fact, she makes it 1,000X worse. When I was younger, I was an early bloomer. My breast were significantly larger than my peers so shirts that looked a certain way on my friends with no boobs looked totally different on me. On day, I was in the kitchen getting a snack after school and I was wearing a v-cut shirt with a tank top under it. My mother walked up to me, tugs on the tank top to pull it up and says to me “Please stop letting your clothes hang so low, you look like a trashy slut.” A slut? Ma’am I am 12 years old; I don’t even know what a slut is. So, from that moment on, if my shirt was too low, I classified myself as a trashy slut because if that’s what mom says I am I can’t argue with her right? Because arguing with mama was considered disrespectful; so, I just took the slut shamming and to be honest, I still do because even as a grown adult I don’t want to disrespect my mother.
Another instance of my mother’s toxic behavior was she always had something negative to say about my hair. I had a relaxer up until senior year of high school, when I then decided to go natural. Even with a relaxer in my head my mother always felt the need to say “Why is your hair so dry? Do you even know how to do your hair? You need to put some grease on your scalp.” So, out of respect I fried my hair to make my mother happy because once again, I did not want to disrespect her even though I knew all that heat, and grease was damaging my hair. Now that I am natural with extremely healthy hair (no thanks to my mother might I add), the lady still finds something negative to say. Secretly, if you ask me, I think it’s because she lost all of her hair twice in 10-years; the first time was alopecia and the second time was cancer. Now, when I wear twist outs and my twist out is full and poppin’ and I’m really feelin’ myself; my mother will say “Your hair looks nappy and dry.” Ok, well I worked really hard on this hair and I am very sorry that you cannot rock a bangin’ twist out ma’am, not my problem. To my mother, if my hair is not within her definition of “perfect” then something needs to be done about it to please her.
Third instance, my mother hates losing an argument. It kills my mother to know that I am right in an argument or just a simple discussion, and when I am right, she never gives me my credit. My mother can be loud and wrong, and still not apologize and say “Ok, you were right. I apologize.” To this day mother has never told me that she is sorry for any argument that she was loud and wrong in. Even when I am right, she will still find a way to make me feel like complete crap. It’s almost like she makes me feel like I should have never brought the topic up. Now don’t get me wrong, my mother was and still is amazing when she wants to be, but her behaviors are a main reason why I made it my mission to never move back home, and it is still my mission to NEVER move back home. My mother has taught me more lesson of what NOT to do then what TO do when I have a daughter.
My father has 10 plus kids and still finding out about more children as the years go on.
I met my father on an accident the summer before I started the 5th grade. Ever since then he has constantly lied on why he was never in some of his kids life, he even went far and said another man signed my birth certificate (which I had on at the time and I had to show him he was lying). Then while I was in 8th grade, he said I wasn't his, which I look just like him. Went to court and I was his then he had to pay child support after all them years of not seeing me nor helping my mom, but took care of his wife’s son that wasn't his. Then we get back on track my junior year or sophomore year of high school, everything went great until my senior year. He turned the script on me. He was suppose to go half on my prom dress and never answered the phone, but he paid for my cousin prom stuff and didn't come to my graduation. His excuse was he didn't want to sit next to my mom. Then when I went off to college, he hated that I went away. I got pregnant and came back home and he talked about me so bad. I didn't talk to him until my daughter turned 2. Recently, we had a heart to heart with all his kids and wife to see what the problem is because he still doesn't keep his word. He said the kids should always call him, he shouldn't have to call us. After the talk, nothing got done because he doesn't want to admit he messed up and he didn't do his part in our lives. Ever since I met this man, I’ve been through hell. He never supports me with anything I’ve done, none of my sports events, dance events birthdays. I over came now that I know he’s not going change I forgave but I still keep my distance.
My story is about my mom. I love her to death but she is so toxic. She is constantly playing the victim role and trying to milk me out of every cent I have. She gossips and spreads nasty rumors about me, and has been for years. The only time she calls me is to ask to borrow some money. She doesn’t call not any other time. At all. When I try to call to chat with her she’s off playing bingo, or gambling, or with some friend investing in a pyramid gig/scheme and just doesn’t have time to talk. If you let her tell it I’m a liar, selfish, and a million other terrible things. Quite frankly I’m tired of her making me feel like I am when I know I’m not. I’ve been on a journey of self love for a few years now and it has taught me so much. I know that I am genuinely a great, kind, encouraging, fun person. I’m not any of those things my mother keeps trying to portray me to be. I know who I am when I look in the mirror. The last few years have been some of the hardest in my life and I couldn’t even turn to my mom for guidance bc she was a part of the problem. I had to realize that just bc my mom is my mom, I guess she doesn’t have to want to help me or support me or encourage me. It’s just so crazy bc I’m a single mother with incredible children. I have little to zero help. My mom is retired and lived with me for a year when I moved to Ga and all she did was refuse to babysit, talked shit about me to my bossy troublemaker Aunt Pam, and ran up all the utilities from being home all day and complained when it came time to pay bills. She only paid 340 out of 1020 for her room and bathroom.
She could eat and use whatever, whatever was mine was hers. She’s my mom, that’s how it’s supposed to be! She caused so much drama when she stayed with me, it was a nightmare. Sheesh. Never wanted to pay her bills on time, always trying to borrow money. Never wanted to babysit if daycare was closed or one of the kids was sick. When my car broke down, she would charge me half of whatever Uber was charging each way. Super passive aggressive, but still tried to play victim. So I had to learn that I needed to isolate myself off from negative people, even if it is your own mother. I love her from a distance and she has done soooooo much more but I can’t type all that. Anywho, I have grown so much closer to God and I still respect her and love her but in order for me to do that, genuinely do that, it has to be from a distance. Also I’ve forgiven her for everything she has done bc I don’t want to harbor those negative feelings towards her. She’s my mom and I only get one. So yea it’s okay to love from a distance!! It’s also okay to not have that ideal mom daughter relationship you want. Don’t force some things. Today my mom and I don’t really talk but we do see each other at family events. All this drama just recently happened but there’s no bad blood or lingering tension. I have a peace of mind now bc I understand the value and the worth of me, my time, my personal space, and who I choose to keep around me. Energy is so real and I Enjoy being in a positive and peaceful space. Removing myself from that negative energy has been one of the best things I’ve done in my life.
Toxic Parents...where do I begin. My father is the most selfish human being I know, and my mother is nothing short of cold hearted. My relationship with my father has been off and on for sometime now. The real rift in our relationship Is the fact that he never taught me how to be a man...because he never has been one. I never had that “father figure” example from him. I still have vivid memories of him and my mother fighting. We have never had “talks”, and whenever we do have a falling out he just sweeps it under the rug( even when we didn’t speak for 4 years). He is always looking for something in return. We had a tear in our relationship one year because I didn’t get him a gift for Christmas. I was 20...broke.....fighting not to get my car repossessed....fighting depression.....but do you think he asked me about my life situation? Nah, this man actually had the audacity to curse me out and kick me off of his cellphone plan because I was “ungrateful”. Wow. Or how about the time I paid for a car with my OWN CASH and he destroys it. But that was fine because he told me he would junk it for me and get the money. Guess how much of that money I saw. Nothing. All my life I’ve seen this man just mooch off of everyone around him. All my life I’ve heard of how he has other kids. Now those siblings of mine are coming to the light now that I'm in my late 20’s...and I’m the youngest. What “Man” just leaves so many children to grow up without a father. Sometimes i sit and think that they are lucky tho because not having him in their life may be for the best.
Now my mother, the apple of my eye at one point in my life....or so I thought. Now, 28, I see i was forcing something that was never there. More so because i was the only child living with my mother for the majority of my life. My sisters moved out when I was around 5 or so. I feel like my mom never wanted kids. She always treated my sisters like shit. Don’t get me wrong, one of them deserves it, but I see now its probably because she was raised that way. My mother has no emotion, no heart at all. She’s a strong woman...but a cancer to her children at the same time. As i sit here I can count on one hand how many times she has said she loves me. That hurts like hell. A child...a teenager...and grown ass man needs love from his mother. I can recall numerous times where something would go wrong in her life and she took it out on me. One time was so bad that I told my best friend that I was going to go live with my father(how ironic). She has no regard for her own family outside of a few. She is just so bitter. I’ve always thought we had a good relationship, but I was wrong. I see the relationships my friends have with their moms and I would get envious. Why can’t my mom say i love you? Why won’t my mom hug me regularly? When I hug my Mother N Law sometimes it’s awkward because it’s almost new to me. It’s June 2019 and I haven’t spoken to my mom since December. We had a falling out around Christmas time over some non sense. I contacted her twice since then but she hasn’t reached back out to me. What makes this situation bad is the fact that prior to our falling out I had talked to her about a serious situation that I was going through. This has been one of the worst years of my life and I have no mother as a support system and a father that is just “there”. Often I ask why did I get these two individuals as parents. I can only continue my life. I definitely know what not to do as a parent.
I want to thank the brave souls that shared their story! It’s important to recognize when our parents are toxic for our own well-being.
Can you relate to this? Share your story below and remember, nobody deserves to cause you pain… not even your parents!